CHILD TO PARENT

Author Unknown
Dec 7, 2007

* Don't spoil me, I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask
for.
I am only testing you.
* Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it. It makes me feel
more
secure.
* Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them
in the
early stages.
* Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave
stupidly
"big."
* Don't correct me in front of people if you can avoid it. I'll take
much
more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
* Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way
sometimes.
* Don't take too much notice of my small ailments. I am quite capable
of
trading on them.
* Don't nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing
deaf.
* Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when
promises are broken.
* Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like.
That
is why I am not always very accurate.
* Don't tax my honesty too much. I am easily frightened into telling
lies.
* Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose
faith
in you.
* Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do you will find I
will stop
asking and seek information elsewhere.
* Don't tell my fears are silly. They are terribly real, and you can
do much
to reassure me if you try to understand.
And please...
* Don't neglect me; I do not want to be a delinquent.

The Importance of Wife

To all the good guys who believe in marriage This one's for you!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Henny Youngman '

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.' Sam Kinison '

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' James Holt McGavran '

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. MINAVER KAKKOO

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Divorce Letter

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I
have nothing to showfor it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Lastweek, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home
and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching thegame.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch meor anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore,
Whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drownout
your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when
you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind
was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if
you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating
pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new
negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still
loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I
had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you havethe filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter thatyou wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Your EX-Husband

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an Americangirl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office andasked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the followingquestions:Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?It made of concrete.I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have a carport, and not need one.I mean, what are your relations like?All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up?
No, I am always up before her.Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.Why do you want this divorce? She is going to kill me.What makes you think that?I got proof.What kind of proof? She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read,and it says:
"Polish Remover" .

Don't take men shopping with you.

Fun while shopping at Tesco's



Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :



Dear Mrs. Murray,



While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:



1. June 15:Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.



2. July 2:Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.



3. July 7:Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.



4. July 19:Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares... and watched what happened.



5. August 14:Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



6. September 15:Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.



7. September 23:When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"



8. October 4:Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.



9. November 10:While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.



10. December 3:Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.



11. December 6:In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.



12. December 18:Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"



13. December 21:When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."



And last, but not least:



14. December 23:Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back.""Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife."I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a few beers with the guys.The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... "He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?""You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches."But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...""You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT!! JACKASS?"And they lived happily ever after.isn't that a sweet story?MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

BEFORE I WAS A MOM

Author Unknown
Apr 1, 2007

Before I was a Mom - I made and ate hot meals. I had unstained
clothing. I had quiet conversations on the phone.
Before I was a Mom - I slept as late as I wanted and never worried
about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth
everyday.
Before I was a Mom - I didn't worry whether or not my plants were
poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on, wet on, spit on,
chewed on, or pinched by tiny fingers.
Before I was a Mom - I had complete control over my thoughts, my body,
my mind. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom - I never held down a screaming child so that
doctors could do tests, or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes
and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never
sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom - I never held a sleeping baby just because I
didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million
pieces when I could not stop the hurt. I never knew that something so
small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love
someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart
outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a
hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a Mother and her child. I
didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.
Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up every ten minutes, in the
middle of the night, to make sure that all was okay. I had never known
the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderfulness, or
the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of
feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

Marriage

(Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************
Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!" "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) *****************************************
Marriage (P art III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) *****************************************
Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!) *****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. *****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Why love goes wrong

By Grace Shangkuan Koo

Inquirer


I took post-doctorate studies at Harvard a few years ago and, as part of the course work in Adult Development, my classmates and I shared our life stories. All five of us had experienced marriage. But one had divorced after 12 years of marriage and another, after 22 years; one was childless, the other a single mother. A third had just reconciled with her spouse after a long separation; she was childless but had adopted two “difficult boys.” The fourth one was married but childless for 22 years. I remained the only one married with kids.
The last to speak, I was hesitant, wondering if my story would sound so different and be interpreted as boastful. I said rather quickly and softly that I counted myself of “good fortune” to have had a most supportive husband and two lovely, well-behaved teenage children (then aged 18 and 15). I recounted episodes of our life and my group mates sighed with envy, at the same time asking me to share more.

Since then I have had many more of the same experience listening to middle-age women in seminars and even in church groups. I have heard stories of divorce, separation, annulment, singlehood, single parenting, fighting over custody of the children, seeking revenge for spouse’s infidelity, etc.And I wonder: Why should my story be counted among the exception?

Loving the wrong person

I believe the problem of most failed marriages is caused by not giving sufficient thought to the trustworthiness of the other person, and also of oneself.
Trustworthiness should be the No. 1 consideration in deciding marriage—not looks, money, power, family, etc.
I am often amazed at how an otherwise intelligent, accomplished person can be so foolish in love, falling for obviously untrustworthy persons who are glib and glamorous but decidedly dishonest!
To commit one’s life and future to someone one cannot trust in the first place is marital suicide. One has also to consider if one’s self is trustworthy enough for a lasting commitment.

Love in the wrong place

It pains me to see on TV girls suffering from anorexia, women living for their 39th plastic surgery, liposuction portrayed as a standard procedure, botox injection seen as lunch break. To think that a makeover could get the best suitor or win back a philandering husband is self-destruction.
If an inflated bust or a deflated tummy makes one’s spouse change his mind so quickly about commitment and magically increase “his ability to love” another more and longer, one can be sure his love is not worthy.
And have we not noticed that even beauty queens and actresses, who possess more than their fair share of beauty, have also been betrayed and abandoned?Love is not about a higher nose, deeper eyelids, smaller hips or shinier hair.

Love for the wrong purpose

“Why do people get married?” I asked my graduate students in Adult Learning class.
The discussion was noisier than normal as everyone had an opinion: Social expectation? Build a family? Sex? Career move? Money? Convenience? Migration? Love?
The young talk of romantic love as if they know it best! The old talk of pragmatic goal much like they have lost faith in love.
Women dream of a family in picture-perfect sense. Men look for sex in progressive perfect tense!
Is there a purpose in marriage? Should there be one? Is unplanned marriage more romantic than planned? How much thinking should be involved in decision?The bottom line for me is: If one does not have the ability to love someone unselfishly enough to protect and cherish her/him, to look after her/his best interest—sometimes above his/her own—and to do so for a lifetime, I don’t think the relationship will last.

Love at the wrong price

When I hear people sharing tearfully about the hardships and pain that come with marriage, I wonder if marriage is actually a blessing for them.
Why the suffering and misery? Are we to be masochistic in love? Isn’t love supposed to be something wonderful and fun, and marriage and family a joy?
I suspect there are too many martyrs of their own making. I meet people whose self-esteem and confidence are so low, expectations so nonexistent that they are willing to put up with anything!
Not having experienced true love from their family, many are willing to throw away the most basic caution to the wind and have their last ounce of dignity trampled—for the cheap thrill of “love.”

Marriage is a partnership of two equals and the price that they give should not be unreasonably skewed to one side.

Love does not have to be blind. Blaise Pascal says, “Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too.”

Whoops

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
> > HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
> >
> > WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
> > HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
> >
> > WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
> > HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
> >
> > WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
> > HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
> >
> > WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
> > HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
> >
> > WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
> > HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
> >
> > WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
> > HUSBAND: "I guess so."
> >
> > WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
> > HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
> >
> > WIFE: - - - silence - - -
> > HUSBAND: "Shit."