Why love goes wrong

By Grace Shangkuan Koo

Inquirer


I took post-doctorate studies at Harvard a few years ago and, as part of the course work in Adult Development, my classmates and I shared our life stories. All five of us had experienced marriage. But one had divorced after 12 years of marriage and another, after 22 years; one was childless, the other a single mother. A third had just reconciled with her spouse after a long separation; she was childless but had adopted two “difficult boys.” The fourth one was married but childless for 22 years. I remained the only one married with kids.
The last to speak, I was hesitant, wondering if my story would sound so different and be interpreted as boastful. I said rather quickly and softly that I counted myself of “good fortune” to have had a most supportive husband and two lovely, well-behaved teenage children (then aged 18 and 15). I recounted episodes of our life and my group mates sighed with envy, at the same time asking me to share more.

Since then I have had many more of the same experience listening to middle-age women in seminars and even in church groups. I have heard stories of divorce, separation, annulment, singlehood, single parenting, fighting over custody of the children, seeking revenge for spouse’s infidelity, etc.And I wonder: Why should my story be counted among the exception?

Loving the wrong person

I believe the problem of most failed marriages is caused by not giving sufficient thought to the trustworthiness of the other person, and also of oneself.
Trustworthiness should be the No. 1 consideration in deciding marriage—not looks, money, power, family, etc.
I am often amazed at how an otherwise intelligent, accomplished person can be so foolish in love, falling for obviously untrustworthy persons who are glib and glamorous but decidedly dishonest!
To commit one’s life and future to someone one cannot trust in the first place is marital suicide. One has also to consider if one’s self is trustworthy enough for a lasting commitment.

Love in the wrong place

It pains me to see on TV girls suffering from anorexia, women living for their 39th plastic surgery, liposuction portrayed as a standard procedure, botox injection seen as lunch break. To think that a makeover could get the best suitor or win back a philandering husband is self-destruction.
If an inflated bust or a deflated tummy makes one’s spouse change his mind so quickly about commitment and magically increase “his ability to love” another more and longer, one can be sure his love is not worthy.
And have we not noticed that even beauty queens and actresses, who possess more than their fair share of beauty, have also been betrayed and abandoned?Love is not about a higher nose, deeper eyelids, smaller hips or shinier hair.

Love for the wrong purpose

“Why do people get married?” I asked my graduate students in Adult Learning class.
The discussion was noisier than normal as everyone had an opinion: Social expectation? Build a family? Sex? Career move? Money? Convenience? Migration? Love?
The young talk of romantic love as if they know it best! The old talk of pragmatic goal much like they have lost faith in love.
Women dream of a family in picture-perfect sense. Men look for sex in progressive perfect tense!
Is there a purpose in marriage? Should there be one? Is unplanned marriage more romantic than planned? How much thinking should be involved in decision?The bottom line for me is: If one does not have the ability to love someone unselfishly enough to protect and cherish her/him, to look after her/his best interest—sometimes above his/her own—and to do so for a lifetime, I don’t think the relationship will last.

Love at the wrong price

When I hear people sharing tearfully about the hardships and pain that come with marriage, I wonder if marriage is actually a blessing for them.
Why the suffering and misery? Are we to be masochistic in love? Isn’t love supposed to be something wonderful and fun, and marriage and family a joy?
I suspect there are too many martyrs of their own making. I meet people whose self-esteem and confidence are so low, expectations so nonexistent that they are willing to put up with anything!
Not having experienced true love from their family, many are willing to throw away the most basic caution to the wind and have their last ounce of dignity trampled—for the cheap thrill of “love.”

Marriage is a partnership of two equals and the price that they give should not be unreasonably skewed to one side.

Love does not have to be blind. Blaise Pascal says, “Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too.”