(OPRAH.com)
One of the original Kings of Comedy, Steve Harvey is the host of one of the most popular radio shows in the country, "The Steve Harvey Morning Show." His first book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man," is shooting to the top of the best-seller lists, and Oprah Winfrey says she loves everything it has to say!
Harvey says this book has a special meaning for him. "This is the first project that I didn't do for money," he says. "Other than my foundation -- mentoring programs -- everything I do is for money. I tell jokes for a check; I'm on TV for a check. ... But this [book] right here I did purely to empower women."
In his book, Harvey says the way a man introduces you gives good insight into the status of your relationship. If a man introduces you as a friend or says your name with no title at all, Harvey says you have nothing. "We're very protective. We mark our territory. If a man loves you...he's willing to profess it. He'll give you a title after a while. You're going to be his lady, his woman, his fiancée, his wife, his baby's mama, something," he says.
"If he's introducing you after six months, 'This is...Oprah,' you should be standing there going, 'This is going nowhere.'" Oprah.com: Read an excerpt from this best-selling book!
Man with a plan
Another thing women need to understand, according to Harvey, is that every man has a plan. "Men don't come up to you to just talk. We come up to you with a plan," he says. "We're looking across the room at you, and we don't care about your hopes and dreams. We don't care about what your future holds. We saw something we wanted."
When a man approaches a woman, Harvey says, he already knows what we wants from her, but he doesn't know what it will cost. "How much time do you want from me? What your standards? What are your requirements? Because we'll rise to the occasion no matter how high you set the bar if we want to," he says. "The problem is, women have stopped setting the bar high." Oprah.com: What's your love type?
The cookie
Though a woman might want many things from a man, Harvey says men only need three things: support, loyalty and sex. Or as Harvey calls it, "the cookie." "We've got to have your support. Whatever adventure we're out on, whatever pursuit in life, we need your support. Then we need your loyalty. That's your love. We've got to know that you belong to us," he says. "And we've got to have a cookie. Everybody likes cookies. That's the thing about a cookie. I like oatmeal raisin...but if you've got vanilla cream, I'll eat that too."
Kickin' it
In his book, Harvey tells the story of his father-in-law's first introduction to one of Harvey's daughter's boyfriends.
"[My 26-year-old daughter] was dating this guy who was about 30. He had been over to the house about four, five times. And my father-in-law was visiting from Memphis," Harvey says. "He's in the kitchen and he's eating and [my daughter's] boyfriend is in there, and [my father-in-law] goes: 'So, son, sit down. Tell me, what's your plan for my granddaughter?'" After plenty of hemming and hawing, Harvey says the boyfriend finally said that the two were just "kickin' it."
Harvey was pretty confident his daughter didn't have the same interpretation of the relationship, he says. "I said: 'Cool. Let's bring my daughter in there. Let's inform her that she's just being kicked...let's see if that's what she wants to do," he says. "They broke up the next day."
Gone fishin'
Harvey says men are like fishermen -- but women are actually the ones looking for a good catch. You won't be able to find one, though, until you up your standards. "You've got sports fishermen, and you've got guys out there fishing to eat. You've got guys that are fishing to keep the fish, and you've got guys that are fishing to catch them, unhook them and throw them back," Harvey says. "You've got to determine along the way which one of the fish you're going to be."
Without ironclad standards, Harvey says you'll always end up back in the dating pool. "You've got to quit lowering your standards," he says. "Set your requirements up front so when a guy hooks you, he has to know this is business."
And don't let the man set the pace of the relationship -- Harvey says it's always the woman who has total control. "With all that power, why do you suddenly relinquish this power just because you want a guy to accept you? That's stupid," he says. "Say: 'Look, if you want to be with me, this is what you got to do. This is what it takes to get to me.'"
When should you sleep with your new boyfriend?
As an auto plant worker, Harvey says he had to wait 90 days to receive benefits -- and says the same probation period should apply to dating. "In 90 days they checked me out. They determined if I was easy to work with, if I got along well with others, if I showed up when I said I was going to show up, if I was worthy."
Women, Harvey says, hold the greatest benefit of all -- the cookie -- so there's no reason to give it away until you know your man deserves it. "Slow down, ladies," Harvey says. "Look, you cannot run us off."
So what if you don't want to wait 90 days? Harvey says if you change the probation period, you do so at your own risk. "You all keep changing the rules. And men are aware of the fact that you are changing the rules. We're aware of the fact that you act desperate. We're aware of the fact that you think there's a good shortage of good men out there," he says.
"We play on all of that. ... We created the term 'gold digger' so you won't ask us for nothing. We created the term 'nagging' so you can quit badgering us. These are terms that we created so you can require less of us."
Mr. fix-it
Harvey says four little words can strike fear and dread into any man: We need to talk. "You just drove a nail in his forehead," Harvey says.
Men are fixers, not talkers, Harvey says, so it's better to get to the point. "When you say, 'We need to talk,' we put up the barriers," he says. "I tell ladies, just sit down and strike up a conversation." Oprah.com: How to talk to a brick wall
Turn off the text
Social networking Web sites and text messages can be a great way to keep in touch with friends, but Harvey says it's not the best way to date. "You have nothing if you're texting a guy in a relationship," he says. "We can text six women a minute. We can text it and push 'reply all.' I mean, since we're lying, we might as well lie to everybody."
If you want the relationship to be more, take it face-to-face. "Women talk about [how] chivalry's dead. Chivalry's not dead -- it's just not required anymore," he says. "You've got to get a guy in your face. Look in his eyes. ... God has given you all this incredible thing called intuition. You've got to use that."
Safety first
You know you've got a keeper when your man wants to make sure you're always safe, Harvey says. Every man wants to protect his woman, and Harvey says this instinct kicks in when his wife, Marjorie, scuba dives. "I can't go home without her. We've got seven kids between us," Harvey says. "They need their mother. I'm not a good mother at all."
Although Marjorie is a certified diver, Harvey isn't a swimmer. "I have a security guy who can swim," he says. "So [he puts] on the snorkeling gear and when she goes down, I tell him, 'You swim over and just keep an eye on my wife.'"
Harvey also has instructions for everyone else on the boat. "I told all the dive masters on the boat: 'If she does not come out of that water in 30 minutes, everybody in the water. Everybody. We're doing a dive search right here,'" he says. "I don't care if nobody [else] on the boat goes home. She goes home." Oprah.com: How to read his body language
From The Oprah Winfrey Show
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TM & © 2009 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Dating Question: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?
Photo: Pavel Losevsky Updated: Mar 24, 2009
You've Probably Crossed the Line if You...
It's About to Get Physical When You...
You Can Avoid the Potential Affair if You...
Readers Reveal: "I Knew I'd Gone too Far When..."
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
An email here, a smile there. Maybe that 'innocent' friendship with your guy friend isn't so innocent after all...
By Heather Johnson Durocher for RedbookPhoto: Pavel Losevsky Updated: Mar 24, 2009
Relationship alert: 82 percent of affairs happen with someone who was at first "just a friend," according to noted infidelity researcher Shirley P. Glass.
So... despite any obvious signs of cheating in your so-called friendship, ask yourself: Are you having an emotional affair?
1. Touch your male friend in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer.
2. Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him. 3. Think crush-like thoughts like "He'd love this song!"
4. Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.
5. No longer feel comfortable telling your mate about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
6. Experience increasing sensual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.
It's About to Get Physical When You...
1. Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other man for support rather than to your mate or a trusted relative or girlfriend.
2. Accelerate the level of intimacy through sensual or suggestive talk over email or the phone.
3. Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.
You Can Avoid the Potential Affair if You...
1. Stay honest with your partner. Share with him all your hopes, triumphs, and failures -- as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.
2. Make time for just the two of you on a regular basis -- away from the kids, your friends, and family.
3. Surround yourself with happy couples who don't believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track.
Readers Reveal: "I Knew I'd Gone too Far When..."
"The guy who I was flirting with regularly over email attended the same event as me and my fiance. When I introduced them, my face flushed as red as a tomato -- I felt embarrassed and guilty about my fiance meeting this guy, so I knew what I was doing was wrong." -- Carolyn, 31, Westfield, NJ
"During one night of partying, my best guy friend and I confessed we had always liked each other. He was a perfect gentleman and left my place before we crossed the physical line. The next day I was completely embarrassed and knew that I didn't want to jeopardize the relationship with my boyfriend so I ended the friendship. And now the boyfriend is my husband, so I'm glad I did." -- Allie, 29, Yonkers, NY
"The cute tech guy who I'd been flirting with at my office said to me, 'You're not going to invite me in?' after I accepted a ride home from him. I liked the attention of him buying me vending machine snacks and complimenting me, but my husband would've had a heart attack if he knew." -- Amy, 38, Chicago
"My best guy friend and I were snuggled on his couch underneath a blanket when I realized that neither his girlfriend nor my boyfriend would be happy if they saw us -- and that our platonic relationship wasn't as platonic as we thought." -- Kim, 35, New Orleans
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
by Rich Santos, Marie Claire, on Mon Mar 16, 2009 8:05am PDT
http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,19980202,00.html
Why do I find it so easy not to cheat?Maybe I'm not very attractive, so my options are limited. Maybe I'm too jaded to go for the cheating opportunities. Maybe I still have some mental wounds lingering from when my dad temporarily moved out because he had met another woman. Maybe I'm too afraid that I've reached my sin quotient and one more big sin will keep me out of heaven.
Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don't look for a way to hurt or deceive them.I am just now patching up a friendship with someone I was seeing while they had a boyfriend (that may make me a cheater). At different points she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend, that they were back together, and that he was boring and I was fun. It was total confusion.I told her she wasn't being fair to herself, me, or him.Finally, she said, "you just don't understand, there are things you don't know." Thing is she's been cheating on him for a couple of years with different guys, and he keeps taking her back.So, are cheaters born cheaters, or do certain situations cause people to cheat? Probably a little bit of both. Here are some situations that make people cheat:
1.Bored
I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat. It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.
2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.
3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.
4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.
5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.
6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.
7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.
8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, and creating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.
9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater?
Posted by Rich
http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,19980202,00.html
Why do I find it so easy not to cheat?Maybe I'm not very attractive, so my options are limited. Maybe I'm too jaded to go for the cheating opportunities. Maybe I still have some mental wounds lingering from when my dad temporarily moved out because he had met another woman. Maybe I'm too afraid that I've reached my sin quotient and one more big sin will keep me out of heaven.
Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don't look for a way to hurt or deceive them.I am just now patching up a friendship with someone I was seeing while they had a boyfriend (that may make me a cheater). At different points she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend, that they were back together, and that he was boring and I was fun. It was total confusion.I told her she wasn't being fair to herself, me, or him.Finally, she said, "you just don't understand, there are things you don't know." Thing is she's been cheating on him for a couple of years with different guys, and he keeps taking her back.So, are cheaters born cheaters, or do certain situations cause people to cheat? Probably a little bit of both. Here are some situations that make people cheat:
1.Bored
I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat. It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.
2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.
3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.
4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.
5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.
6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.
7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.
8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, and creating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.
9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater?
Posted by Rich
Monday, March 16, 2009
Top 10 Relationship Tips
Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; it's maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That's why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not they've tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably hit... and to learn how to keep the good times flowing. To give you a leg up in your love life, we asked the country's top relationship experts to share the most crucial things they've uncovered over the years -- from big-picture philosophies to little gestures that go a long way. These practices will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.
1. Act Out of Character.
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type -- in a positive way -- you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time. -- Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
2. Get in Touch a Lot.
No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV and taking his hand when you're walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level. -- Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples"
3. Take Turns Talking.
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement -- and get your points across -- alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks. -- Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of "Opening Love's Door"
4. Find the Intersection.
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun... how about Miami? -- Paul Dobransky, MD, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love"
5. Be More Positive Than Negative.
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time." -- Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
6. Echo Each Other.
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood. -- Yvonne Thomas
7. Take a Time-Out.
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room. -- Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
8. Have His Back.
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side... and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what. -- New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other.
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun -- and meaningful -- when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get -- and think about -- each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. -- Barton Goldsmith
10. Be a Good Date.
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook -- if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box -- dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. -- Jennifer Oikle
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
1. Act Out of Character.
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type -- in a positive way -- you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time. -- Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
2. Get in Touch a Lot.
No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV and taking his hand when you're walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level. -- Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples"
3. Take Turns Talking.
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement -- and get your points across -- alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks. -- Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of "Opening Love's Door"
4. Find the Intersection.
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun... how about Miami? -- Paul Dobransky, MD, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love"
5. Be More Positive Than Negative.
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time." -- Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
6. Echo Each Other.
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood. -- Yvonne Thomas
7. Take a Time-Out.
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room. -- Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
8. Have His Back.
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side... and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what. -- New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other.
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun -- and meaningful -- when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get -- and think about -- each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. -- Barton Goldsmith
10. Be a Good Date.
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook -- if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box -- dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. -- Jennifer Oikle
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Lover's Leap: Falling into True Intimacy
Why are many of us so frightened to reveal our true selves, be fully open and fall in love?
Columnist Martha Beck examines the issues and offers tips on how to get past our fears, be truly intimate with another and leap into love.
By Martha Beck from "O, The Oprah Magazine"
Psychologists tell us we're born afraid of just two things. The first is loud noises. Do you recall the second? Most people guess "abandonment" or "starvation," but neonatal dread was simpler than that: It was the fear of falling. Today we all have a much richer array of consternations, but I'll bet falling is still on your list. Why give up the prudent concern that brought your whole genetic line into the world clutching anything your tiny fists could grab? Fear of falling is your birthright! Perhaps that's why most of us, at least some of the time (and some of us most of the time), are frightened by another deeply primal experience: intimacy. Allowing yourself to become emotionally close is the psychological equivalent of skidding off a cliff; hence the expression "falling in love." This gauzy phrase usually describes a sexual connection. But love has infinite variations that can swallow the floor from under your feet at any moment.
You're securely installed in a relationship, marching through life, keeping your nasal hairs decently trimmed. Then boom! You hear a song and know that the composer has seen into your soul. Or you wake up, bleary with jet lag, in a city you've never seen before and feel you've come home. Or the wretched little mess of a kitten you just saved from drowning begins to purr in your arms. Suddenly — too late — you realize that your heart has opened like a trapdoor, and you're tumbling into a deep, sweet abyss, thinking, God, this is wonderful! God, this is terrible!The next time this happens, here's a nice, dry, scientific fact to dig your toes into: The sensation you're feeling is probably associated with decreased activity in the brain region that senses our bodies' location in the physical world. When this zone goes quiet, the boundary between "self" and "not self" disappears. It isn't just that we feel close to the object of our affection; perceiving ourselves as separate isn't an option. Some being that was Other now matters to us as much as we matter to ourselves. Yet we have no control over either the love or the beloved. The horror! The horror! We focus attention on stories about people, from Othello and Huckleberry Finn to the lusty physicians on Grey's Anatomy, who trip into versions of intimacy (passion, friendship, parental protectiveness) they can neither escape nor manage. These stories teach us why we both fear and long for intimacy, and why our ways of dealing with it are usually misguided. Two of these methods are so common, they're worth a warning here.
Bad Idea #1: Guard Your Heart
There's an old folktale about a giant who removes his own heart, locks it in a series of metal boxes, and buries the whole conglomeration. Thereafter, his enemies can stab or shoot him, but never fatally. Of course, he also loses the benefits of having a heart, such as happiness. The giant sits around like Mrs. Lincoln grimly trying to enjoy the play, until he's so miserable he digs up his heart and stabs it himself.
This grisly parable reminds us that refusing to love is emotional suicide. Yet many of us fight like giants to guard ourselves from intimacy, boxing up our hearts in steel-hard false beliefs. "I'm unlovable" is one such lockbox. "Everyone wants to exploit me" is another. Then there's "I shouldn't feel that" and "I have to follow the rules," etc. Whatever your own heart-coffins may be, notice that they're ruining your happiness, not preserving it.
As poet Mary Oliver puts it, Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?… For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters, caution and prudence? Fall in! Fall in!If you've buried your heart to keep it from hurting, you're hurting. You're also in dire danger of using …
Bad Idea #2: Control Your Loved One
"If you don't love me, I'll kill myself. If you stop loving me, I'll kill you." Some people believe such statements are expressions of true intimacy. Actually, they're weapons of control, which destroy real connection faster than you can say "restraining order." Though few of us are this radically controlling, we often use myriad forms of manipulation and coercion. We can say, "Sure, whatever makes you happy," in a tone that turns this innocuous phrase into a vicious blow. To the extent that we try to make anyone do, feel, or think anything — whether our weapon is people-pleasing, sarcasm, or a machete — we trade intimacy for microterrorism. So, if neither control nor avoidance works, what does?
Good Idea #1: Be Willing
In The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams reveals the secret of flying. Just launch yourself toward the ground, and miss. "All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt … if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."This is the best advice I know for coping with fear of intimacy. Avoidance and control can't keep our hearts from falling, or cushion the landing. Why not try throwing yourself forward, being willing not to mind that it's going to hurt? Please note: "Being willing not to mind" isn't the same as genuinely not minding. You'll mind the risks of intimacy — count on it. Be willing anyway.
How? Simply allow your feelings — all of them — into full consciousness. Articulate your emotions. Write about them in a journal, tell them to a friend, confess them to your priest, therapist, cab driver. Feel the full extent of your love, your thirst, your passion, without holding back or grasping at anything or anyone (especially not the object of your affection). The next suggestion will show you how.
Good Idea #2: Go
"Whoo-Hoo"Author Melody Beattie took up skydiving and was scared senseless. Another diver told her, "When you get to the door and jump, say 'Woo-hoo!' You can't have a bad time if you do."
This phrase works as well when you're falling emotionally as when you're falling physically. When fear hits, when you want to grasp or hide, shout "Woo-hoo!" instead. While there is never — not ever — a sure foundation beneath our feet, the willingness to celebrate what we really feel can turn falling into flying. You don't need an airplane to practice woo-hoo skills. For instance: I'm writing these words at 2:15 in the morning, because writing, like other intimate pursuits, often occurs at night. As I type each word, I come to care about how it will be read — about you, there, reading it. Caring is scaring. It makes me want to stop right now, or spend years composing something flawlessly literate. Unfortunately, my deadline was yesterday, and Shakespeare I ain't, so … woo-hoo!
Now it's 2:20 a.m. My writing partner, a fat, aged beagle named Cookie, snores contentedly at my feet. I'm revisited by a worry that was born the day I fell in love with his puppy self: the dread of the moment that snuffly breathing stops. This is my cue to throw myself forward, drop deeper into my affection for this ridiculous dog. Tomorrow I will let Cookie teach me to roll in the grass, to howl in ecstasy at the sight of good food. Of any food, actually. Woo-hoo! It's 2:30 a.m. Upstairs, my son, Adam, is dreaming dreams I'll never quite understand, because his brain is different from mine. Shortly before his birth, I learned that he has Down syndrome, which put mothering him well above skydiving in my Book of Fears. I yelled a lot during Adam's birth. Eighteen years later, I'm still yelling "Woo-hoo!" And so far, the only consequence of that particular plunge is love. Which takes me to my final point.
In Preparation for LandingWhat I really panic about nowadays isn't falling; it's landing. But even that concern is fading, because I've realized there are only two possible landings for someone who embraces intimacy, and both are beautiful. The first possibility is that your beloved will love you back. Then you won't land; you'll just fall deeper into intimacy, together. This is how bald eagles prepare to mate — by locking talons and free-falling like rocks — which is deeply insane and makes me proud to call the eagle my country's national bird. The other possibility is that you'll throw yourself forward, yell "Woo-hoo!," and smash into rejection. Will it hurt? Indescribably. But if you still refuse to bury your broken heart, or force someone to "fix" it — if you just experience the crash landing in all its gory glory, you'll create a miracle. A Jewish friend told me this story: A man asks his rabbi, "Why does God write the law on our hearts? Why not in our hearts? It's the inside of my heart that needs God." The rabbi answered, "God never forces anything into a human heart. He writes the word on our hearts so that when our hearts break, God falls in." Whatever you hold sacred, you'll find that an unguarded broken heart is the ideal instrument for absorbing it. If you fall into intimacy without resistance, despite your alarm, either you will fall into love, which is exquisite, or love will fall into you, which is more exquisite still. Do it enough, and you may just lose your fear of falling. You'll get better at missing the ground, at keeping a crushed heart open so that love can find all the broken pieces. And the next time you feel that vertiginous sensation of the floor disappearing, even as your reflexes tell you to duck and grab, you'll hear an even deeper instinct saying, Fall in! Fall in!
More from MSN Lifestyle Site Search: For more great content on intimacy, click here.By Martha Beck from O, The Oprah Magazine, © 2009 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
© 2009 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Columnist Martha Beck examines the issues and offers tips on how to get past our fears, be truly intimate with another and leap into love.
By Martha Beck from "O, The Oprah Magazine"
Psychologists tell us we're born afraid of just two things. The first is loud noises. Do you recall the second? Most people guess "abandonment" or "starvation," but neonatal dread was simpler than that: It was the fear of falling. Today we all have a much richer array of consternations, but I'll bet falling is still on your list. Why give up the prudent concern that brought your whole genetic line into the world clutching anything your tiny fists could grab? Fear of falling is your birthright! Perhaps that's why most of us, at least some of the time (and some of us most of the time), are frightened by another deeply primal experience: intimacy. Allowing yourself to become emotionally close is the psychological equivalent of skidding off a cliff; hence the expression "falling in love." This gauzy phrase usually describes a sexual connection. But love has infinite variations that can swallow the floor from under your feet at any moment.
You're securely installed in a relationship, marching through life, keeping your nasal hairs decently trimmed. Then boom! You hear a song and know that the composer has seen into your soul. Or you wake up, bleary with jet lag, in a city you've never seen before and feel you've come home. Or the wretched little mess of a kitten you just saved from drowning begins to purr in your arms. Suddenly — too late — you realize that your heart has opened like a trapdoor, and you're tumbling into a deep, sweet abyss, thinking, God, this is wonderful! God, this is terrible!The next time this happens, here's a nice, dry, scientific fact to dig your toes into: The sensation you're feeling is probably associated with decreased activity in the brain region that senses our bodies' location in the physical world. When this zone goes quiet, the boundary between "self" and "not self" disappears. It isn't just that we feel close to the object of our affection; perceiving ourselves as separate isn't an option. Some being that was Other now matters to us as much as we matter to ourselves. Yet we have no control over either the love or the beloved. The horror! The horror! We focus attention on stories about people, from Othello and Huckleberry Finn to the lusty physicians on Grey's Anatomy, who trip into versions of intimacy (passion, friendship, parental protectiveness) they can neither escape nor manage. These stories teach us why we both fear and long for intimacy, and why our ways of dealing with it are usually misguided. Two of these methods are so common, they're worth a warning here.
Bad Idea #1: Guard Your Heart
There's an old folktale about a giant who removes his own heart, locks it in a series of metal boxes, and buries the whole conglomeration. Thereafter, his enemies can stab or shoot him, but never fatally. Of course, he also loses the benefits of having a heart, such as happiness. The giant sits around like Mrs. Lincoln grimly trying to enjoy the play, until he's so miserable he digs up his heart and stabs it himself.
This grisly parable reminds us that refusing to love is emotional suicide. Yet many of us fight like giants to guard ourselves from intimacy, boxing up our hearts in steel-hard false beliefs. "I'm unlovable" is one such lockbox. "Everyone wants to exploit me" is another. Then there's "I shouldn't feel that" and "I have to follow the rules," etc. Whatever your own heart-coffins may be, notice that they're ruining your happiness, not preserving it.
As poet Mary Oliver puts it, Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?… For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters, caution and prudence? Fall in! Fall in!If you've buried your heart to keep it from hurting, you're hurting. You're also in dire danger of using …
Bad Idea #2: Control Your Loved One
"If you don't love me, I'll kill myself. If you stop loving me, I'll kill you." Some people believe such statements are expressions of true intimacy. Actually, they're weapons of control, which destroy real connection faster than you can say "restraining order." Though few of us are this radically controlling, we often use myriad forms of manipulation and coercion. We can say, "Sure, whatever makes you happy," in a tone that turns this innocuous phrase into a vicious blow. To the extent that we try to make anyone do, feel, or think anything — whether our weapon is people-pleasing, sarcasm, or a machete — we trade intimacy for microterrorism. So, if neither control nor avoidance works, what does?
Good Idea #1: Be Willing
In The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams reveals the secret of flying. Just launch yourself toward the ground, and miss. "All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt … if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."This is the best advice I know for coping with fear of intimacy. Avoidance and control can't keep our hearts from falling, or cushion the landing. Why not try throwing yourself forward, being willing not to mind that it's going to hurt? Please note: "Being willing not to mind" isn't the same as genuinely not minding. You'll mind the risks of intimacy — count on it. Be willing anyway.
How? Simply allow your feelings — all of them — into full consciousness. Articulate your emotions. Write about them in a journal, tell them to a friend, confess them to your priest, therapist, cab driver. Feel the full extent of your love, your thirst, your passion, without holding back or grasping at anything or anyone (especially not the object of your affection). The next suggestion will show you how.
Good Idea #2: Go
"Whoo-Hoo"Author Melody Beattie took up skydiving and was scared senseless. Another diver told her, "When you get to the door and jump, say 'Woo-hoo!' You can't have a bad time if you do."
This phrase works as well when you're falling emotionally as when you're falling physically. When fear hits, when you want to grasp or hide, shout "Woo-hoo!" instead. While there is never — not ever — a sure foundation beneath our feet, the willingness to celebrate what we really feel can turn falling into flying. You don't need an airplane to practice woo-hoo skills. For instance: I'm writing these words at 2:15 in the morning, because writing, like other intimate pursuits, often occurs at night. As I type each word, I come to care about how it will be read — about you, there, reading it. Caring is scaring. It makes me want to stop right now, or spend years composing something flawlessly literate. Unfortunately, my deadline was yesterday, and Shakespeare I ain't, so … woo-hoo!
Now it's 2:20 a.m. My writing partner, a fat, aged beagle named Cookie, snores contentedly at my feet. I'm revisited by a worry that was born the day I fell in love with his puppy self: the dread of the moment that snuffly breathing stops. This is my cue to throw myself forward, drop deeper into my affection for this ridiculous dog. Tomorrow I will let Cookie teach me to roll in the grass, to howl in ecstasy at the sight of good food. Of any food, actually. Woo-hoo! It's 2:30 a.m. Upstairs, my son, Adam, is dreaming dreams I'll never quite understand, because his brain is different from mine. Shortly before his birth, I learned that he has Down syndrome, which put mothering him well above skydiving in my Book of Fears. I yelled a lot during Adam's birth. Eighteen years later, I'm still yelling "Woo-hoo!" And so far, the only consequence of that particular plunge is love. Which takes me to my final point.
In Preparation for LandingWhat I really panic about nowadays isn't falling; it's landing. But even that concern is fading, because I've realized there are only two possible landings for someone who embraces intimacy, and both are beautiful. The first possibility is that your beloved will love you back. Then you won't land; you'll just fall deeper into intimacy, together. This is how bald eagles prepare to mate — by locking talons and free-falling like rocks — which is deeply insane and makes me proud to call the eagle my country's national bird. The other possibility is that you'll throw yourself forward, yell "Woo-hoo!," and smash into rejection. Will it hurt? Indescribably. But if you still refuse to bury your broken heart, or force someone to "fix" it — if you just experience the crash landing in all its gory glory, you'll create a miracle. A Jewish friend told me this story: A man asks his rabbi, "Why does God write the law on our hearts? Why not in our hearts? It's the inside of my heart that needs God." The rabbi answered, "God never forces anything into a human heart. He writes the word on our hearts so that when our hearts break, God falls in." Whatever you hold sacred, you'll find that an unguarded broken heart is the ideal instrument for absorbing it. If you fall into intimacy without resistance, despite your alarm, either you will fall into love, which is exquisite, or love will fall into you, which is more exquisite still. Do it enough, and you may just lose your fear of falling. You'll get better at missing the ground, at keeping a crushed heart open so that love can find all the broken pieces. And the next time you feel that vertiginous sensation of the floor disappearing, even as your reflexes tell you to duck and grab, you'll hear an even deeper instinct saying, Fall in! Fall in!
More from MSN Lifestyle Site Search: For more great content on intimacy, click here.By Martha Beck from O, The Oprah Magazine, © 2009 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
© 2009 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
What Makes a Man Fall and Stay in Love
Love has many facets and can deepen and grow with time. Here, men at various stages of relationships share how they fell in love initially, how their love deepened, and for some, how love has only grown richer after 40 years.
A man in love keeps surprisingly good mental records. Sure, he may occasionally forget your anniversary, but he can still conjure up the transcendent feeling of the first kiss, exactly what you wore when he picked you up at the airport after your European backpack odyssey, and the time he finally confessed how little money he earned and you didn't flinch, making him feel like a million bucks (after taxes).
As a man who has been truly, madly, deeply in love with the same woman for longer than I ever would have imagined possible, I can tell you that the feelings a man has for his dream girl change, evolve, spike and deepen — and when it's the real deal, stay fundamentally, well, true. Paul Newman once attributed his marital success with Joanne Woodward to "correct amounts of lust and respect." I got six men to pause and explain how that ratio shifts and recalibrates from the first minute to the fifth anniversary and beyond. But let me go first ...
At one minute: I was sitting on a bench outside the American Museum of Natural History. She was already 15 minutes late for our blind date. Then a girl in blue jeans started jogging up the stairs, full of life and swaying hair. I had never seen anyone so beautiful. I was finished. I have not recovered.
At one year: She was living in Paris — her dream come true — so we were in love long-distance. Her first several months over there had not been as fun or fulfilling as she'd expected; meantime, they'd killed me. She was considering coming home early, but something told me that if she did and we got married, she'd always feel she'd left something unfinished. So though the words felt almost repulsive coming from my mouth, I told her, "You should stay."
At seven years: In the operating room, moments after her C-section, when our newborn was held up, like Simba in The Lion King, I felt humbled. She was the one who had spent nine months carrying him. She was the one — even with her superhuman tolerance for pain — who winced and moaned in agony as the baby stretched her insides like some Incredible Hulk angling for more space. But she couldn't see him because a curtain blocked her view from the chest down. So in awe of my exhausted, glowing wife, I had the honor of describing to her our firstborn son, Sam.
"She Charmed My Niece"
Adam Zimmerman, 27, lobbyist, Washington, D.C., with his girlfriend for 15 months
At one week: We met online through eHarmony.com. We talked and e-mailed for a week before the first date. As I was walking to the restaurant, I saw this girl in tight jeans in front of me. Man, she looked hot from the back. I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if that was Julia?" And it was.
At six weeks: I invited her to Pennsylvania for a weekend to celebrate my brother's thirtieth birthday. The next morning Julia went over to my niece Sydney, who was about one and a half, sat down and started telling her a fairy tale about Princess Sydney and all these animals. My niece was mesmerized. And I was thinking, Holy smokes, I've known this girl six weeks, and it's the most natural thing in the world for her to act like an aunt to my niece.
At two months: She said I was holding back, and she broke up with me. I was a wreck. I didn't shave for a week. I barely remember going to work. My only thought was: I have to get her back. A week later she finally agreed to see me. I laid it all out — how much I wanted her, how much I wanted us and that I'd do anything to get her back. That night, the sex was extraordinary. When you're really in love, sex is a thousand times better. I'd never experienced that before.
"She Taught Me the Meaning of Faith"
Chris Heuwetter, 27, law school student, Palm Beach, Fla., married six months, dated for two years
At two days: We met online, then in person at Starbucks. After coffee we went to a New Agey store, and she showed me these crystals, put my hand on one and said, "Can you feel the energy?" I thought, Wow, who is this crazy girl? But it was the start of something new for me. She makes me think more spiritually. To have faith in things I can't see.
At three months: We were sitting on a bench eating ice cream, and I said, "I have to tell you I'm in love with you, and I think I've been in love with you for a while." I told her I was surprised it hadn't slipped out of my mouth yet, since I'd been saying it over and over in my mind.
At one year: We went back to the same coffee shop, and at our table was another couple. They looked cute and nervous. "Are you on your first date?" we asked. "Yeah," they said, "how did you know?" We said we'd had our first date right there, exactly a year before, and were now planning to get married. We went back on our second anniversary, and we'll go back on our third, because it's our place, the place where we began.
"She Made Me a Better Man"
Jerry Clampet, 66, retired, Philadelphia, just celebrated his fortieth wedding anniversary
At five minutes: It was December 28, 1965, at Ohio State University. Mary was working in the office. She was extremely cute, but I remember one unusual feature. She was wearing a hairpiece — an extra chunk of hair that kind of stood up on top. I've heard her refer to it as a ... chignon? Frankly, I don't know what you call it. She just had extremely long hair that she piled up into whatever you call it. But it wasn't her real hair. I was confused ... and fascinated.
At 18 years: Our teenage daughter had health problems, including cancer; the closeness of Mary and me, and the power of our love, became even more evident during that trial. Everything turned out OK, but going through the turmoil proved we needed each other. It was strengthening rather than disrupting.
At 40 years: My only regret after all these years is the very inappropriate Christmas gift I bought her early in our marriage: a vacuum cleaner. It wasn't so smart. I didn't recognize how hurt she was that I'd given her a household necessity rather than a personal gift. At the time I thought, Hey, it has lights on it! You can see in the corners! She didn't want to be thought of as just the dutiful housewife. I didn't know for a long time how stupid I was. But I've learned. It feels wonderful to be married 40 years. I highly recommend it.
"She's Adventurous — Sexually and Every Other Way"
Zach Fischer, 24, does IT for a design firm, Boston, in a two-year relationship
At six months: I was casually dating a woman, and she suggested "adding a girl." I said sure — I'm no fool. It turned out the "third" was the girl for me. I just liked her more every day. Meghan wears mismatched socks, plays advanced Rock Paper Scissors and is a founding member of a fire performance and circus troupe. She's funny and charming.
At nine months: I was moving to another city. The truck was packed, and we were doing a final sweep of the apartment. I found myself sitting on a suitcase in an empty room, looking at this girl and knowing how easy it would be for her to slip out of my life. I had loved and lost before, but suddenly I wasn't so sure I could handle it. I said, "This sucks. I don't feel like I'm finished with you." She started crying and told me, "I'm not done with you either."
At one year: Even in a long-distance relationship, you have to reconcile reality with fantasy. In the long run, you can't live off of the ideal. My girlfriend is one of the most chronically late people I've ever met. She's often irresponsible, sometimes even dirty (she believes that too much showering depletes important oils from your skin and vitamins from your hair). But that doesn't detract from the fact that she is perfect in every way.
"She Feels Like Family"
Doug Matejka, 35, film producer, New York City, married four months
At one day: We'd known each other for a while when season four of The Sopranos started. I invited her over to watch it, but we hadn't seen the first three seasons. I knew that if we watched all that together, watched these characters evolve, we'd probably start dating, even become serious. A college friend who got sucked into watching Twin Peaks with a woman he ended up dating warned me, "Be careful what girl you watch episodic TV with."
At one year: The honeymoon phase — where we couldn't get enough of each other — lasted a year. More than anything else, I felt peaceful. Here was this person who put family above all else, knew when we needed time away from each other and hated going out with large groups of people, just like me.
At five years: Marriage gave everything kind of a shinier coat. We're somehow a little happier now. We don't have children, but we have a dog, and we definitely feel like a family.
"She Stood By Me"
Eric Kim, 38, TV executive, Los Angeles, engaged after one year
At three months: She was cute and funny, and we became friends quickly, but I was still dating other women. Then one night I called Janny and had this epiphany: I'm attracted to her, I'm always talking to her, why don't I ask her out?
At six months: It wasn't that I didn't love previous girlfriends. I just wasn't ready. But when Janny came along, it was the perfect storm. She makes me laugh like no one ever has, and she gives so much of herself — to family, friends, the kids she mentors. She's my dream woman, but also, I was older and in a better place in my career.
At one year: My getting laid off made us much more open and honest. I told her things about my finances that I might not have said so early — and she was thrilled. "Oh, my God!" she said. "We're having our first conversation about money!" I realized that if she didn't freak out, she's not going anywhere. It meant there was this amazing trust between us.
A man in love keeps surprisingly good mental records. Sure, he may occasionally forget your anniversary, but he can still conjure up the transcendent feeling of the first kiss, exactly what you wore when he picked you up at the airport after your European backpack odyssey, and the time he finally confessed how little money he earned and you didn't flinch, making him feel like a million bucks (after taxes).
As a man who has been truly, madly, deeply in love with the same woman for longer than I ever would have imagined possible, I can tell you that the feelings a man has for his dream girl change, evolve, spike and deepen — and when it's the real deal, stay fundamentally, well, true. Paul Newman once attributed his marital success with Joanne Woodward to "correct amounts of lust and respect." I got six men to pause and explain how that ratio shifts and recalibrates from the first minute to the fifth anniversary and beyond. But let me go first ...
At one minute: I was sitting on a bench outside the American Museum of Natural History. She was already 15 minutes late for our blind date. Then a girl in blue jeans started jogging up the stairs, full of life and swaying hair. I had never seen anyone so beautiful. I was finished. I have not recovered.
At one year: She was living in Paris — her dream come true — so we were in love long-distance. Her first several months over there had not been as fun or fulfilling as she'd expected; meantime, they'd killed me. She was considering coming home early, but something told me that if she did and we got married, she'd always feel she'd left something unfinished. So though the words felt almost repulsive coming from my mouth, I told her, "You should stay."
At seven years: In the operating room, moments after her C-section, when our newborn was held up, like Simba in The Lion King, I felt humbled. She was the one who had spent nine months carrying him. She was the one — even with her superhuman tolerance for pain — who winced and moaned in agony as the baby stretched her insides like some Incredible Hulk angling for more space. But she couldn't see him because a curtain blocked her view from the chest down. So in awe of my exhausted, glowing wife, I had the honor of describing to her our firstborn son, Sam.
"She Charmed My Niece"
Adam Zimmerman, 27, lobbyist, Washington, D.C., with his girlfriend for 15 months
At one week: We met online through eHarmony.com. We talked and e-mailed for a week before the first date. As I was walking to the restaurant, I saw this girl in tight jeans in front of me. Man, she looked hot from the back. I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if that was Julia?" And it was.
At six weeks: I invited her to Pennsylvania for a weekend to celebrate my brother's thirtieth birthday. The next morning Julia went over to my niece Sydney, who was about one and a half, sat down and started telling her a fairy tale about Princess Sydney and all these animals. My niece was mesmerized. And I was thinking, Holy smokes, I've known this girl six weeks, and it's the most natural thing in the world for her to act like an aunt to my niece.
At two months: She said I was holding back, and she broke up with me. I was a wreck. I didn't shave for a week. I barely remember going to work. My only thought was: I have to get her back. A week later she finally agreed to see me. I laid it all out — how much I wanted her, how much I wanted us and that I'd do anything to get her back. That night, the sex was extraordinary. When you're really in love, sex is a thousand times better. I'd never experienced that before.
"She Taught Me the Meaning of Faith"
Chris Heuwetter, 27, law school student, Palm Beach, Fla., married six months, dated for two years
At two days: We met online, then in person at Starbucks. After coffee we went to a New Agey store, and she showed me these crystals, put my hand on one and said, "Can you feel the energy?" I thought, Wow, who is this crazy girl? But it was the start of something new for me. She makes me think more spiritually. To have faith in things I can't see.
At three months: We were sitting on a bench eating ice cream, and I said, "I have to tell you I'm in love with you, and I think I've been in love with you for a while." I told her I was surprised it hadn't slipped out of my mouth yet, since I'd been saying it over and over in my mind.
At one year: We went back to the same coffee shop, and at our table was another couple. They looked cute and nervous. "Are you on your first date?" we asked. "Yeah," they said, "how did you know?" We said we'd had our first date right there, exactly a year before, and were now planning to get married. We went back on our second anniversary, and we'll go back on our third, because it's our place, the place where we began.
"She Made Me a Better Man"
Jerry Clampet, 66, retired, Philadelphia, just celebrated his fortieth wedding anniversary
At five minutes: It was December 28, 1965, at Ohio State University. Mary was working in the office. She was extremely cute, but I remember one unusual feature. She was wearing a hairpiece — an extra chunk of hair that kind of stood up on top. I've heard her refer to it as a ... chignon? Frankly, I don't know what you call it. She just had extremely long hair that she piled up into whatever you call it. But it wasn't her real hair. I was confused ... and fascinated.
At 18 years: Our teenage daughter had health problems, including cancer; the closeness of Mary and me, and the power of our love, became even more evident during that trial. Everything turned out OK, but going through the turmoil proved we needed each other. It was strengthening rather than disrupting.
At 40 years: My only regret after all these years is the very inappropriate Christmas gift I bought her early in our marriage: a vacuum cleaner. It wasn't so smart. I didn't recognize how hurt she was that I'd given her a household necessity rather than a personal gift. At the time I thought, Hey, it has lights on it! You can see in the corners! She didn't want to be thought of as just the dutiful housewife. I didn't know for a long time how stupid I was. But I've learned. It feels wonderful to be married 40 years. I highly recommend it.
"She's Adventurous — Sexually and Every Other Way"
Zach Fischer, 24, does IT for a design firm, Boston, in a two-year relationship
At six months: I was casually dating a woman, and she suggested "adding a girl." I said sure — I'm no fool. It turned out the "third" was the girl for me. I just liked her more every day. Meghan wears mismatched socks, plays advanced Rock Paper Scissors and is a founding member of a fire performance and circus troupe. She's funny and charming.
At nine months: I was moving to another city. The truck was packed, and we were doing a final sweep of the apartment. I found myself sitting on a suitcase in an empty room, looking at this girl and knowing how easy it would be for her to slip out of my life. I had loved and lost before, but suddenly I wasn't so sure I could handle it. I said, "This sucks. I don't feel like I'm finished with you." She started crying and told me, "I'm not done with you either."
At one year: Even in a long-distance relationship, you have to reconcile reality with fantasy. In the long run, you can't live off of the ideal. My girlfriend is one of the most chronically late people I've ever met. She's often irresponsible, sometimes even dirty (she believes that too much showering depletes important oils from your skin and vitamins from your hair). But that doesn't detract from the fact that she is perfect in every way.
"She Feels Like Family"
Doug Matejka, 35, film producer, New York City, married four months
At one day: We'd known each other for a while when season four of The Sopranos started. I invited her over to watch it, but we hadn't seen the first three seasons. I knew that if we watched all that together, watched these characters evolve, we'd probably start dating, even become serious. A college friend who got sucked into watching Twin Peaks with a woman he ended up dating warned me, "Be careful what girl you watch episodic TV with."
At one year: The honeymoon phase — where we couldn't get enough of each other — lasted a year. More than anything else, I felt peaceful. Here was this person who put family above all else, knew when we needed time away from each other and hated going out with large groups of people, just like me.
At five years: Marriage gave everything kind of a shinier coat. We're somehow a little happier now. We don't have children, but we have a dog, and we definitely feel like a family.
"She Stood By Me"
Eric Kim, 38, TV executive, Los Angeles, engaged after one year
At three months: She was cute and funny, and we became friends quickly, but I was still dating other women. Then one night I called Janny and had this epiphany: I'm attracted to her, I'm always talking to her, why don't I ask her out?
At six months: It wasn't that I didn't love previous girlfriends. I just wasn't ready. But when Janny came along, it was the perfect storm. She makes me laugh like no one ever has, and she gives so much of herself — to family, friends, the kids she mentors. She's my dream woman, but also, I was older and in a better place in my career.
At one year: My getting laid off made us much more open and honest. I told her things about my finances that I might not have said so early — and she was thrilled. "Oh, my God!" she said. "We're having our first conversation about money!" I realized that if she didn't freak out, she's not going anywhere. It meant there was this amazing trust between us.
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