What Makes a Man Fall and Stay in Love

Love has many facets and can deepen and grow with time. Here, men at various stages of relationships share how they fell in love initially, how their love deepened, and for some, how love has only grown richer after 40 years.

A man in love keeps surprisingly good mental records. Sure, he may occasionally forget your anniversary, but he can still conjure up the transcendent feeling of the first kiss, exactly what you wore when he picked you up at the airport after your European backpack odyssey, and the time he finally confessed how little money he earned and you didn't flinch, making him feel like a million bucks (after taxes).

As a man who has been truly, madly, deeply in love with the same woman for longer than I ever would have imagined possible, I can tell you that the feelings a man has for his dream girl change, evolve, spike and deepen — and when it's the real deal, stay fundamentally, well, true. Paul Newman once attributed his marital success with Joanne Woodward to "correct amounts of lust and respect." I got six men to pause and explain how that ratio shifts and recalibrates from the first minute to the fifth anniversary and beyond. But let me go first ...
At one minute: I was sitting on a bench outside the American Museum of Natural History. She was already 15 minutes late for our blind date. Then a girl in blue jeans started jogging up the stairs, full of life and swaying hair. I had never seen anyone so beautiful. I was finished. I have not recovered.

At one year: She was living in Paris — her dream come true — so we were in love long-distance. Her first several months over there had not been as fun or fulfilling as she'd expected; meantime, they'd killed me. She was considering coming home early, but something told me that if she did and we got married, she'd always feel she'd left something unfinished. So though the words felt almost repulsive coming from my mouth, I told her, "You should stay."
At seven years: In the operating room, moments after her C-section, when our newborn was held up, like Simba in The Lion King, I felt humbled. She was the one who had spent nine months carrying him. She was the one — even with her superhuman tolerance for pain — who winced and moaned in agony as the baby stretched her insides like some Incredible Hulk angling for more space. But she couldn't see him because a curtain blocked her view from the chest down. So in awe of my exhausted, glowing wife, I had the honor of describing to her our firstborn son, Sam.

"She Charmed My Niece"
Adam Zimmerman, 27, lobbyist, Washington, D.C., with his girlfriend for 15 months
At one week: We met online through eHarmony.com. We talked and e-mailed for a week before the first date. As I was walking to the restaurant, I saw this girl in tight jeans in front of me. Man, she looked hot from the back. I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if that was Julia?" And it was.
At six weeks: I invited her to Pennsylvania for a weekend to celebrate my brother's thirtieth birthday. The next morning Julia went over to my niece Sydney, who was about one and a half, sat down and started telling her a fairy tale about Princess Sydney and all these animals. My niece was mesmerized. And I was thinking, Holy smokes, I've known this girl six weeks, and it's the most natural thing in the world for her to act like an aunt to my niece.
At two months: She said I was holding back, and she broke up with me. I was a wreck. I didn't shave for a week. I barely remember going to work. My only thought was: I have to get her back. A week later she finally agreed to see me. I laid it all out — how much I wanted her, how much I wanted us and that I'd do anything to get her back. That night, the sex was extraordinary. When you're really in love, sex is a thousand times better. I'd never experienced that before.

"She Taught Me the Meaning of Faith"
Chris Heuwetter, 27, law school student, Palm Beach, Fla., married six months, dated for two years
At two days: We met online, then in person at Starbucks. After coffee we went to a New Agey store, and she showed me these crystals, put my hand on one and said, "Can you feel the energy?" I thought, Wow, who is this crazy girl? But it was the start of something new for me. She makes me think more spiritually. To have faith in things I can't see.
At three months: We were sitting on a bench eating ice cream, and I said, "I have to tell you I'm in love with you, and I think I've been in love with you for a while." I told her I was surprised it hadn't slipped out of my mouth yet, since I'd been saying it over and over in my mind.
At one year: We went back to the same coffee shop, and at our table was another couple. They looked cute and nervous. "Are you on your first date?" we asked. "Yeah," they said, "how did you know?" We said we'd had our first date right there, exactly a year before, and were now planning to get married. We went back on our second anniversary, and we'll go back on our third, because it's our place, the place where we began.

"She Made Me a Better Man"
Jerry Clampet, 66, retired, Philadelphia, just celebrated his fortieth wedding anniversary
At five minutes: It was December 28, 1965, at Ohio State University. Mary was working in the office. She was extremely cute, but I remember one unusual feature. She was wearing a hairpiece — an extra chunk of hair that kind of stood up on top. I've heard her refer to it as a ... chignon? Frankly, I don't know what you call it. She just had extremely long hair that she piled up into whatever you call it. But it wasn't her real hair. I was confused ... and fascinated.
At 18 years: Our teenage daughter had health problems, including cancer; the closeness of Mary and me, and the power of our love, became even more evident during that trial. Everything turned out OK, but going through the turmoil proved we needed each other. It was strengthening rather than disrupting.
At 40 years: My only regret after all these years is the very inappropriate Christmas gift I bought her early in our marriage: a vacuum cleaner. It wasn't so smart. I didn't recognize how hurt she was that I'd given her a household necessity rather than a personal gift. At the time I thought, Hey, it has lights on it! You can see in the corners! She didn't want to be thought of as just the dutiful housewife. I didn't know for a long time how stupid I was. But I've learned. It feels wonderful to be married 40 years. I highly recommend it.

"She's Adventurous — Sexually and Every Other Way"
Zach Fischer, 24, does IT for a design firm, Boston, in a two-year relationship
At six months: I was casually dating a woman, and she suggested "adding a girl." I said sure — I'm no fool. It turned out the "third" was the girl for me. I just liked her more every day. Meghan wears mismatched socks, plays advanced Rock Paper Scissors and is a founding member of a fire performance and circus troupe. She's funny and charming.
At nine months: I was moving to another city. The truck was packed, and we were doing a final sweep of the apartment. I found myself sitting on a suitcase in an empty room, looking at this girl and knowing how easy it would be for her to slip out of my life. I had loved and lost before, but suddenly I wasn't so sure I could handle it. I said, "This sucks. I don't feel like I'm finished with you." She started crying and told me, "I'm not done with you either."
At one year: Even in a long-distance relationship, you have to reconcile reality with fantasy. In the long run, you can't live off of the ideal. My girlfriend is one of the most chronically late people I've ever met. She's often irresponsible, sometimes even dirty (she believes that too much showering depletes important oils from your skin and vitamins from your hair). But that doesn't detract from the fact that she is perfect in every way.

"She Feels Like Family"
Doug Matejka, 35, film producer, New York City, married four months
At one day: We'd known each other for a while when season four of The Sopranos started. I invited her over to watch it, but we hadn't seen the first three seasons. I knew that if we watched all that together, watched these characters evolve, we'd probably start dating, even become serious. A college friend who got sucked into watching Twin Peaks with a woman he ended up dating warned me, "Be careful what girl you watch episodic TV with."
At one year: The honeymoon phase — where we couldn't get enough of each other — lasted a year. More than anything else, I felt peaceful. Here was this person who put family above all else, knew when we needed time away from each other and hated going out with large groups of people, just like me.
At five years: Marriage gave everything kind of a shinier coat. We're somehow a little happier now. We don't have children, but we have a dog, and we definitely feel like a family.

"She Stood By Me"
Eric Kim, 38, TV executive, Los Angeles, engaged after one year
At three months: She was cute and funny, and we became friends quickly, but I was still dating other women. Then one night I called Janny and had this epiphany: I'm attracted to her, I'm always talking to her, why don't I ask her out?
At six months: It wasn't that I didn't love previous girlfriends. I just wasn't ready. But when Janny came along, it was the perfect storm. She makes me laugh like no one ever has, and she gives so much of herself — to family, friends, the kids she mentors. She's my dream woman, but also, I was older and in a better place in my career.
At one year: My getting laid off made us much more open and honest. I told her things about my finances that I might not have said so early — and she was thrilled. "Oh, my God!" she said. "We're having our first conversation about money!" I realized that if she didn't freak out, she's not going anywhere. It meant there was this amazing trust between us.