Best Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I am gone.

Your EX - Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and yourm new silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had>hit the lottery for Ten Million Dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla,my sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem.

Change is good.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne .

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread makerThen she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".So I bought her an electric chair.

7. Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

8. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

10. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....I said, "Dust!"

CHILD TO PARENT

Author Unknown
Dec 7, 2007

* Don't spoil me, I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask
for.
I am only testing you.
* Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it. It makes me feel
more
secure.
* Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them
in the
early stages.
* Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave
stupidly
"big."
* Don't correct me in front of people if you can avoid it. I'll take
much
more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
* Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way
sometimes.
* Don't take too much notice of my small ailments. I am quite capable
of
trading on them.
* Don't nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing
deaf.
* Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when
promises are broken.
* Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like.
That
is why I am not always very accurate.
* Don't tax my honesty too much. I am easily frightened into telling
lies.
* Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose
faith
in you.
* Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do you will find I
will stop
asking and seek information elsewhere.
* Don't tell my fears are silly. They are terribly real, and you can
do much
to reassure me if you try to understand.
And please...
* Don't neglect me; I do not want to be a delinquent.

The Importance of Wife

To all the good guys who believe in marriage This one's for you!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Henny Youngman '

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.' Sam Kinison '

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' James Holt McGavran '

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. MINAVER KAKKOO

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Divorce Letter

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I
have nothing to showfor it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Lastweek, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home
and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching thegame.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch meor anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore,
Whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drownout
your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when
you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind
was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if
you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating
pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new
negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still
loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I
had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you havethe filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter thatyou wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Your EX-Husband

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an Americangirl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office andasked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the followingquestions:Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?It made of concrete.I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have a carport, and not need one.I mean, what are your relations like?All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up?
No, I am always up before her.Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.Why do you want this divorce? She is going to kill me.What makes you think that?I got proof.What kind of proof? She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read,and it says:
"Polish Remover" .

Don't take men shopping with you.

Fun while shopping at Tesco's



Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :



Dear Mrs. Murray,



While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:



1. June 15:Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.



2. July 2:Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.



3. July 7:Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.



4. July 19:Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares... and watched what happened.



5. August 14:Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



6. September 15:Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.



7. September 23:When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"



8. October 4:Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.



9. November 10:While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.



10. December 3:Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.



11. December 6:In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.



12. December 18:Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"



13. December 21:When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."



And last, but not least:



14. December 23:Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."